A year ago today and I was heading in to an operation. An op that had I spent a little less time so focused on my outward appearance than how I was feeling on the inside, most probably could of been avoided.
To many I was fit, happy, healthy – a carefree positive person, and I did convince even myself most days that I was, but reality was I prioritised more what people thought, how I looked and came across, always doing and constantly running away from showing emotion/being anything other than what/who I thought I should be.
I was the one to always joke around with a nothing fazes me approach, hiding behind a mask & unable to talk about anything deep/emotional and even before my op sending stupid selfies and acting all smiles as my way of coping and hiding from the fact I was bricking it and I am in fact just a huge mushy melt!
I first blamed a lot on my ‘hormones’ which yes was a factor to my health condition and subsequent op but I had all the warning signs I just chose not to deal with it/ignored the problem thinking it nothing major just hoping it would go away. I played the victim which was how I dealt with most ‘problems’ and a brush it under the carpet and will all be fine attitude. I was so caught up in living a lie and disliked the person I had become – looking for constant distraction/ways to reassure myself I wasn’t ever at fault.
Life isn’t perfect not everything happens the way we hope or ‘plan’, I’m not perfect, I’ve got flaws (many of them) I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let people down, I’ve made some questionable life choices and do I regret any – daily I do, but also my mistakes have often been the kick up the arse or slap in the face I needed and this last year has certainly taught me a lot and taking responsibility/being more open/vunerable and ‘wearing my heart on my sleeve’ a little more have been my biggest/toughest life lessons.
I am still getting my head around this whole being vulnerable/emotional growing up and working to look after my mental as well as physical wellbeing, I have given this whole meditation business a go.
Admittingly I have jumped on and off it and I tried/didn’t get on with any of the apps/guided ones but I am (slowly) getting better at forcing myself since lockdown, once a day to put my phone on flight mode, sit down and do absolutely nothing.
Some days for sure are easier than others and I’ll admit I go through phases with it. Some days it feels like my heads a giant ball of fuzzy mess, 5 minutes can feel like a lifetime, I overthink I go into panic and I get into a right toddler tantrum strop with it and I not a spiritual kinda person but I really am learning so much about myself – the good, the bad and the ugly!
It is all part of the ‘journey’, dealing with the good and the bad – taking time to stop and appreciate it all and its one of those life lessons you never really know unless you try and after figuring about like pretty much anything in life it never works if you tiptoe around/go about it half heartily! (But seriously though, who knew it were so hard to sit!)
I don’t have all the answers and far from everything figured out and reality who does! We are in a strange time a the moment thats for sure and whilst its important to not be too hard on yourself its also a good time to take a stop check and appreciate, look at what you can control and work on/focus on what really matters to you.
It is so often not till we really need something/someone that we are reminded of and truly appreciate what we have/where we are and I know our actions speak louder than words and daily showing appreciation to all those important in our lives and wider community can seem near impossible but it isn’t all about big gestures and in regards to NHS and to all our loved ones there is something we can all do to show our appreciation and that is investing in your own wellbeing.
Health & Wellbeing isn’t selfish its self love and whilst physical fitness has always been a priority, I used to think the mental wellbeing side was all airy fairy nonsense.
Its not to say now I think only about my inward health/have become some sort of a spiritual guru or that I don’t care about what people think/how I look, of course I do, but the reason around why I choose to lead a healthy lifestyle is more about the whole package than whether I can see my abs or not (which I do have to remind myself on a daily basis), our daily choices/how we act impacts not only our health but also the lives of others too.
I’ve deleted, edited, cringed at myself and worried far too much about what people may think of this post (still learning). Worried about how it comes across, do I sound too cliche/preachy, a lot of editing/cutting out/points I’ve but its not meant to be perfect, I’m putting it out there (practise what I preach) take from it what you will and maybe you can relate, maybe it will help you to take off that mask, maybe to focus more on your health as a whole, make you stop to think and maybe show that vulnerability isn’t weak and we don’t always need to be ‘doing’ ….and if I get just one positive response from this then I sure will be one happy chappy!
We are all awesomely imperfect humans muddling through the ups and downs of life – and to all the gorgeous people in my life, for the mistakes I’ve made I am sorry and to you reading this thank you 🙂
Big hugs and love,